ebook humor

Greed is good!

W4$ 2014 Goal: AM/FM Radio. Status = MET!

W4$ 2014 Goal: AM/FM Radio. Status = MET!

Hi all. I’m writing to update you on my authoring adventure and share some good news. Believe it or not, thanks to The Awkward Detective: The Bone Donor, now available at Amazon.com for ninety-nine cents, I have already met my 2014 financial objective of earning enough royalty income to purchase an AM/FM clock radio.

What can I tell you? Greed is good.

Yesterday, after hours of online shopping I purchased a SONY, model ICFC218.

I went with the ICFC218 because it has big numbers, which I need, for something has happened to my vision in recent years that has limited my perception of detail. In fact, without using my sense of smell, regardless of distance, I would not be able to pick Gisele Bundchen out of a police line-up that included: Peter Lorre, Elmo, a naked cowboy, and Alan Dershowitz.

My parents, god rest their souls, told me to never brag. But, it is difficult given the extent of my success. In 2013, I far exceeded my expectations by earning enough royalty income to purchase a Taco Meal for Five. And now, with almost a half a year to go, I’m  in possession have my precious AM/FM clock radio. Life is good!

If I was ever asked what has led to my astounding success, having written 6 novels in 2 years, I would be tempted to attribute my stardom to hard work, but the truth is it’s all about greed-fueled ambition – the want of material things!

W4$ 2013 Goal: Taco Meal for 5. Status= MET!

W4$ 2013 Goal: Taco Meal for 5. Status= MET!

Having made this admission, my greed is in need of a new target. Thus, the time has come for me to set my 2015 financial goal (or risk never writing another word.)

Selecting my new goal has been a difficult task, but after much thought, I’ve decided upon a theme of self-aggrandizement, a variation of self-promotion, in selecting the next object of my desire.

Originally, I was going to go with a “W4$” ass tattoo.  But I after considerable thought, I abandoned this goal for I feared  the inevitable revelation of this artwork, inch above my furry ass crack, would likely result in the total loss of my fan base.

Consequently, moving forward, I’ve decided to pursue a “W4$” Mr. T Starter Kit, to include: a W4$ diamond studded tooth grill and a gold ganstah necklace anchored by a W4$ logo, containing, at minimum, 1 troy ounce of pure gold.

W4$ 2015 Goal: The Mr. T "I pity the fool" W4$ Starter Kit

W4$ 2015 Goal: The Mr. T “I pity the fool” W4$ Starter Kit

In response to your screams of “Impossible Wright! Don’t do it! Be more realistic!” I counter with the prediction that the second installment in my Awkward Detective series,THE CHIPMUNK FACTOR, due out this Christmas, will be a hit, making my dreams of being the next Lil Wayne+ come true.

Where will all this ambition end? It’s difficult to say. But, last night I had a dream about a pretty blonde-haired lady, a pink Mercedes and a house with an ocean view…
W4$


Wright Re-writing Right

Howdy. The rumor that I was killed by angry jihadi, due to my last best-seller, BILLY GRIST, is not true…Nobody told me it was a bad idea to poke fun at Muhammad…Some people just can’t take a joke…

I’m dropping a blog post to let my fan(s) know I have not given up. In fact, I’m currently re-writing THE GENERAL STORE. My goal is to turn this messy and naughty little novella into a comic fiction masterpiece, which, to me, means selling ten copies. Worth noting, to amp its hilarity, I’ve added 20,000 words and a couple new plot twists to THE GENERAL STORE. Thus, to prevent guffaw related injuries, I’m currently advising potential readers to avoid hot drinks while consuming this novel and to also consider the co-purchase body control underwear to address the high probability of laughter-induced incontinence.

My head is Irish thick, so most often I need to be hit by a car before learning how to cross a street. Being so, to date, my enlightenment related to novel writing has been controlled by a stingy dimmer switch. Nonetheless, producing three novels has taught me a few things. I now write while thinking about my reader(s) and I’ve stopped rushing to meet self-imposed deadlines for I now believe a good book can’t be hurried. This means while I re-write the GENERAL STORE if the words don’t feel right, even if I don’t know why, I hit the delete key. It’s my hope this iterative process will finally yield a novel that will gain readership via word of mouth. We’ll see. My fondest hope is your average e-book reader will be sufficiently entertained by THE GENERAL STORE, to tell a friend about this funny and well-written comedy about an old man with a big one, a really big one…

Currently, I plan to re-publish the re-written THE GENERAL STORE some time this year, probably November.

Stay tooned.
W4$

Ebook Advertising for Dummies

I’m writing this blog after being awake for a 36 hours because I have to make money, which requires me to talk to people from around the world… arrogant bastards that refuse to live on USA time. So, if this blog makes no sense I apologize in advance. Hey, somewhere back in time I promised to run an ebook advertising trial and report my findings to my fellow indie authors.

Before running my test I read JA Konrath’s blog about how to sell books etc. He basically advises to avoid advertising at all cost. The only better advice I know of is not bathe with an electrical appliance.

My test indicates ebook advertising is a profound waste of money. Advertising may make you feel like an author, in much the same way that buying office furniture makes one feel like a businessman, but ultimately it will just make you poorer, which is a bad thing in countries that don’t reward profligate spending with food stamps.

I have to say on the list of wasting money Stumble Upon, in my book, is number one. Instead of spending money at Stumble Upon, I’d suggest simply tossing a handful of twenties out your car window, preferably in a the bad side of town because watching the 47%, i.e.,the rabble, scramble for free money will momentarily make you feel like Mitt Romney which is a feeling infinitely more satisfying than being molested by a Dallas Cowboy’s cheerleader, or perhaps, your favorite Sesame Street muppet – if you’re into that sort of thing. Geez, I seem to be losing my train of thought, ahhh back to ebook advertising. Yeah Stumble Upon…After you load up your Stumble Upon account with money you are asked if you want to target an audience or let the Stumble wizard do it for you. These questions are poorly worded for what Stumble Upon really meant to ask was, Would you like us to steal your money instantly or over a five minute time frame? I went with the instant option and within nanoseconds my web site was hit with a wave of traffic, none of which read a single page on my blog. I hate to think the worst of shaky entities, but I have a feeling some of my Stumble Upon visitors may have been widget-based life forms.

Although I could not ultimately determine any difference in their service second to Stumble Upon is Google and Facebook. I say Goog and Face are slightly better than Stumble Upon because they put you through an ad approval process before stealing your money, which makes you feel like less of an asshole. Google is world class at this ruse, you’ll be admonished for using capital letters in your ad and then a key word wizard will infer you’re dumber than a lamp post before suggesting a $65 per click key word to sell your $1 ebook. Facebook is based on demographics, so you can specify the group of people that will steal your money. You’ll also get a fancy bar graph that shows you that 0.003375897959% of the people that viewed your ad clicked on it, which, in case you were wondering, is the exact percent of people high on crystal meth in the USA at a given moment.

So, what’s a mother to do? If you want to sell one book and you have one hundred dollars to waste advertise on Goodreads.com. Otherwise, I suggest using social media to generate followers, which then may buy your book if you don’t spam and have something interesting or nice to say now and then. It’s not an instant process, but selling a book is not like selling car insurance, after all your not just asking people for 15 minutes of their time…

Ebook Marketing Math…

Per my earlier blogs, in addition to being the “bon” in bon vivant, an Irish bullshitter, a comic fiction writer, and a father to lil’ ones, I also consider myself a bit of a numbers guy, a mathematician of sorts. Being so, like any good mathematician, I frequently use numbers to avoid reality. Take my current foray into numerology. Recent sales of my comic fiction epic, THE GENERAL STORE, suck. I sold two copies so far this month, and one was to me.

Not good.

A normal person, unskilled in the ways of mathematics, would simply conclude THE GENERAL STORE is pure garbage. But me, being a math dude…I think something else is going on here.

Here is my math.

1. There are 300 million people in the United States (roughly).

2. 50 million people know how to read.

3. 15 million people know how to read english.

4. 1.5 million of the 15 million readers own Kindles

5. 100,000 of 1.5 million people read ebooks written by Indie Authors

6. 95,000 of 100,000 remaining readers only read ebooks about teenage vampires falling  in, and out, of  love.

7. 50 readers (1% of the remain remaining 5,000 readers) will scroll through 300,000 books to find my masterpiece at Amazon.com

8. 5 readers (10% of the remaining 50 readers) will be open to reading a book that has the word “erection” in its first sentence.

In short, my math shows the total market for THE GENERAL STORE is five readers.

Hmm, God dammit. One out of five readers have bought THE GENERAL STORE. I have a best-seller on my hands!

It’s true! The numbers never lie.

🙂 W4$

 

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