1 Jun 2013
Per one of my recent pathetic tweets, I have formally declared myself a “humorist” because the more descriptive term, “snide asshole,” is bad for marketing, or so I’ve been told. FYI, being a self-declared humorist, I’m now officially free to poke fun at any given topic, not just ebook publishing. To me, this is the equivalent of coming out of the closet, for the truth is I find just about everything funny and I’m no longer ashamed to admit it.
My new found freedom is good for me for blogging about random crap fits my current schedule, which is dominated by the execution of menial tasks designed to generate the income needed to pay for the mess I’ve created – otherwise known as children.
So, here’s how my new blog works. I write about whatever pops into my head. You laugh hysterically and then buy all my books. I call it chuckles for dollars. My objective is to earn enough money to buy my youngest son a Death Star Lego, for I’m old, thus way past the stage of wanting a trophy wife and a pink Mercedes with kelly green hubcaps…
The thing that I’m finding funny at this moment is dieting. I just decided to go on my first ever diet. Prior to being 54 I was thin before my metabolism changed and a prolonged Oreo bender turned me into yet another son of the Pillsbury Doughboy. Currently, I weigh 215 pounds. I have to get down to 195 or the annual premium on my life insurance will exceed the price of a Faneuil Hall toll house cookie (a local joke)…
Being a real man, I don’t spend any time thinking about the consequences of my pending actions. Thus, the only way I gain wisdom is by assessing carnage. Being so, looking back, I should have realized I needed to lose some weight. The signs were there, which leads me to the ultimate objective of this blog, the presentation of a countdown list, the only known means of generating a viral Internet response that doesn’t involve a video camera and a tube of K-Y Jelly…Yes, it’s the top eleven signs that you need to lose weight…Let the chuckles begin…
11. You apply baby powder to your belly flaps to prevent mushroom growth.
10. You think about Fruity Pebbles more than Kate Upton.
9. Upon viewing a Michelin tire commercial your kids yell, “Hey Mom, Dad’s on TV!”
8. You can’t touch your toes. But you can make your nipples touch each other.
7. You subscribe to Bloomberg TV to monitor the wholesale price of cookie dough.
6. You mark Ben and Jerry’s birthdays on your calendar.
5. You can store a Charleston Chew in your naval.
4. You can’t see your boys without putting a mirror on the floor.
3. Your fingertips are permanently orange due to Cheetos consumption.
2. Your snoring removes ceiling tiles.
1. After losing fifteen pounds you swear to God you’ve heard a peanut butter and jelly sandwich scream, “Eat me bitch!”