Are you following me?

I must confess, I don’t understand Twitter. I’m 50% nerd by nature, so maybe it’s a socialization issue. I say this because it’s my foremost desire to live in a cave with a high-speed internet connection so I can watch 24-7. Given my half-assed desire to be virtually socialized, being an independent author, my basic understanding of Twitter is that it’s a network where indie authors promote their books to other indie authors, who are too busy writing to read them. So, in terms of a marketing tool, it appears to me Twitter is more time consuming and less effective than soliciting readers by sending hand-written letters to random street addresses.

This all being said, given it’s popularity, I know the real issue is me, for I’m certain Twitter is really a wonderful marketing tool that I just haven’t figured it out yet.

To date, I basically use Twitter to follow people, who I now call “my tweeps.” Some of my tweeps follow me back. My understanding is I must attract tweeps because it will eventually cause, by mysterious means, Barack Obama, Stephen King, or Shaq to become so captivated by my 140 word banter that they will follow me, read my books, and then tweet to their billion tweeps that Wright Forbucks is better than buttered toast.

Hmm, at minimum Twitter certainly adds to the folly of independent publishing… But, don’t get me wrong. I’m not giving up on Twitter; I’m just trying to find its keys. Consequently, I’m currently in refining mode, bopping around, trying to figure out who to follow, so they can follow me back and contribute to my virtual legend.Β Being so, using the best logic my addled brain can muster, here are my current rules for following people on Twitter:

1. I follow all followers that use animated avatars to expose one or more naughty areas of their virtual bodies. My favorite being the blinking halter top.

2. I follow all followers who poses like Rodin’s Thinker, hand to chin, like yours truly.

3. I will not follow any writer who claims to be an “aspiring author.” My advice to aspiring authors is to write a short story and publish it. And before doing so, describe yourself as a person living in the basement of your parent’s house.

4. I will not follow anybody that uses a Hello Kitty avatar. There is something demonic about Hello Kitty. I can see it in her eyes.

5. I will follow any follower from a foreign country that doesn’t tweet using the King’s English. I call this my WTF follow.

6. I will not follow any follower that claims to be a Christian Writer, for I don’t read books based upon somebody else’s faith. However I do make exception for the occasional “Christian author of low-grade erotica.”

7. I will follow any follower that describes themselves as “bookish” even though I know this also means “I’ve never been laid and I’m too cheap or too poor to buy your f’n book.”

8. I will follow any follower that claims to be a pirate, a nude hang-gliding instructor, or a serial killer of vegans.

9. I will not follow any follower that use a “auto-tweet” program to promote their book. I can’t take reading a follower’s book is FREE at Amazon one hundred times a day. That’s why I limit my spam to ninety nine tweets a day.

10. And finally, all lists needing ten entries, hating disingenuous expressions of gratitude, I immediately unfollow any follower who sends me a DM to thank me for following them unless it start with “Hey asshole!”