How to write for bucks

I write, but I do not consider myself a writer. I have never dreamt of being a writer. In fact, as a young man I wanted to be a cartoonist. I was good but not great, so when that dream evaporated my main goal in life was to own a stereo and drink beer in the bleachers at Fenway Park – back when you could drink beer at Fenway Park. (The rumor persists that I poured a beer into a cop’s boot for bouncing a fellow fan. This is not true. It was my friend.)

Prior to becoming a self-pubber, I read a few books a year, mostly physics stuff because I have a hidden nerd thing going on that I’ll never understand. This nerd thing caused me to invent several items: a few sold very well which enabled me to barely make a living.  Eighteen months ago I read an article about self-pubbing and royalty rates offered by Amazon.com; I decided I had to get in on this action, thus Wright Forbucks was born.

I’ve been self-pubbing for 18 months now. I wrote my first book, Billy Grist, in four months. It totally sucked, but after I re-write it, it will be the best book I will ever write – for sure. It was inspired by the death of a dear friend on 9-11. My second book, Even Steven sucked too. But, I just rewrote it and now I think it is a masterpiece – if you’re a particle physicist with a sense of humor I think you will agree.

The Third Book I wrote is called The Walking Man. It is loosely based on my brief inability to walk courtesy of a rare and wimpy-ass disease I have called Myasthenia Gravis. The only thing I really have in common with the lead character in The Walking Man is MG did cause me to do a face plant in the bread aisle of a convenient mart, but it was a Cumberland Farms, not a 7-11. My response to paralysis was to laugh, which is basically my response to everything. Some people are reading The Walking Man and giving it 5-stars. Even better, some folks are buying it. It is currently generating enough income to feed a family of five a single taco twice a year.

Enough about me, time to get to my list. But first, in the interest of full disclosure, as you have probably already guessed, I am writing this baseless list to give the false impression that I am imparting wisdom when in fact I am simply shamelessly promoting the above mentioned books.

So here is my list…

HOW TO WRITE FOR BUCKS

#1: Dream the Wright Dream

You must have only one dream -> to get rich. Assuming you’ve had sex (with another person) several hundred times, this is the only dream left worth having. All other dreams are meaningless. Especially don’t dream about living forever. If you worry too much about exercise and a healthy diet you will not be able to write anything worth reading. My recommended author diet includes: Doritos, Mountain Dew and an occasional marshmallow Peep (season permitting.)

#2: Establish Idols

Joe Konrath is my idol. Why? The Mo-Fo made $100K in 3 weeks selling Kindle books. Joe is not a man. He is a God. The only comparable deity on earth is Billy Mitchell (the first man to get a perfect score on PacMan.)

#3:  Go into Massive Debt

The best way to force yourself to write daily, after you’ve convinced yourself that you’re going to be rich, is to go into massive debt. Needing money is the best inspiration for writing. Going into massive debt is the easiest step in the self-pub process, options include: divorce, drug habit, gambling, and misfortune. I suggest mixing it up; a little of each is good – all things in moderation.

#4:  Pay the Children

If your children start fighting when you are trying to write. Pay them off. When my kids start hitting each other instead of disciplining them I pay them to stop. Trust me. Nothing works better. All kids have stuff they want to buy. So when they get uppity, slap a five in their greasy little hands and tell em to browse Lego.com. Works every time, and it preserves your vocal cords.

#5:  Obsess

F outlines and all the other conventions real authors use. Instead think about your book obsessively. Write your story in your head and then blast it into a word doc. I didn’t know I was an author until I pre-paid for some gas and then drove away without filling my tank – because I was thinking about my stupid book!

#6: Establish a Viral Alert System.

It’s important to know when your ebook goes viral, so you can buy a gold-plated toilet and begin shopping for a better spouse. I recommend getting a bell and then writing a computer program that links your bell to kdp.amazon.com. Further, I advise all serious authors to quit your “real” jobs, so you’re not performing some demeaning task on the day when your bell chimes ten times per minute to signal that you have officially written for bucks.

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